Thanksgiving Turkey, Past and Pumpkin Pie

This year, I had Thanksgiving dinner at work. It was surreal. I celebrated the holiday with several students and staff from work. Our spread was bountiful, we had pasta, and tuna sandwiches, turkey, green bean casserole (my favorite) and pumpkin pie. I stood in the hallway watching the kids play with each other. I was sad at first thinking about how this was not the Thanksgiving tradition that I had grown up with. I hadn't watched the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade or any of the football games. Instead I slept until 2 preparing for a potential overnight shift. Luckily, I didn't have to work the overnight. All of the kids at my house were able to go home and spend the holiday with their family. I however, spent it at work. I missed my Grandmothers sweet tea and waking up early this morning to cash in on all the Black Friday deals. I missed out on the family gossip and sweet potato casserole. But Thanksgiving hasn't been the same in my family since my Grandmother died all those years ago. I no longer spend the holiday in Ga with my dad's family. In fact I can't remember the last time I had Thanksgiving dinner with any of my relatives. The holiday doesn't have the same magic as it used to. These last few years, I've done it a little different each time. But there was something about this year that was special. Perhaps it was because I didn't feel alone even though I was sure that I would. I thought that there wasn't any possible way for me to be able to connect considering that everyone I care about is so far away.

Another list for you, my top 10 favorite Thanksgiving memories:

1. Waking up at 3:30 am the day after Thanksgiving and going to Shoney's before hitting up the holiday madness and being the first in line to tell Santa Clause what I want for Christmas. (This year I want games and puzzles for the kids at work).
2. Handing out high fives to runners at the Sacramento Turkey Trot.
3. The Safety guy putting out fires in the 943 kitchen.
4. Mimosas and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
5. Riding four wheelers.
6. Making my first snowman and enjoying the weekend off with my friends in Tahoe.
7. Hanging out with my Grandmother in the kitchen drinking the best sweet tea known to man.
8. Fighting with my cousin over who owns the Popple*.
9. Explaining to Londoners why it was so important to make Green Bean casserole on the last Thursday of November.
10. Spending time with my mom on one of the few days of the year she doesn't have to work.

Well, I hope everyone had a great time with their friends and families. Try not to get into a fight over Black Friday deals.

The Pilgrims crossed the ocean and stole the land from the Indians and for that I am thankful.

Okay so probably not the best thing to be thankful for, but I am thankful for other things too.

Here's a list of ten things I'm thankful for:
1. My Best friend and very supportive family.
2. Having a job in this economy.
3. The new friends I've made in the Northeast.
4. Being young and not having anything to tie me down.
5. Having a roof over my head.
6. Finding a place to call home.
7. The last year of my life, I traveled the country with 8 amazing people and got to do things most people could never dream of.
8. My new city.
9. Pastrami Reubens from Rein's Deli.
10. and connections with other people.

Of course there are more things I'm for which I am thankful but it could take years to name everything I love about the world.

Last year for Thanksgiving I got up early and volunteered for the Sacramento Turkey Trot. I cheered on hundreds of runners and distributed so many high fives my hands were red. Afterward I sat down for a homemade feast. I spent the weekend with friends at Lake Tahoe and experienced many firsts. My first sled ride, my first snowball fight, building my first snowman.

This year I'll be breaking bread at work, eating dinner with the kids whose parents didn't come to take them home. We'll eat turkey and stuffing and watch cartoons instead of football. I'm positive that nothing will top last thanksgiving, but I look forward to be able to share the holiday with strangers and new friends.

Perhaps for me this year Thanksgiving will be more like the first one, the one when the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together as strangers and left as friends. I mean they were friends for a while until the Pilgrims took land, passed on new diseases and tried to enslave their new friends. Why do we celebrate this holiday again?

Oh yeah, to give thanks. Thanks to all of you for reading my late night ramblings. I hope your holidays are happy and safe and your relationships turn out a lot better than one between the pilgrims and the Indians.

That insanely hard level that you just can't get past.

I've been playing this game on PS2. I don't play video games enough to get a PS3. I also haven't made enough money to buy a PS3 until recently, and well after all those years of not being able to afford a more advanced system, I can't really find a reason to run out and buy one. Maybe in a few years, or after I get my student loans figured out. Anyway, after spending more time and energy than I care to admit on this video game, I'm stuck. The game is God of War, and I'm at the part where you have to dodge these stupid moving gates to get to the next stage. It seems as though every time I try the level I just get hit by the gates. Every few times, I get to the first depression in the floor and I find a sense of safety. I feel better about trying it again because I got to that first part, but the next part just seems impossible. No matter what I do, the freaking gates hit me. I looked up cheat codes and stuff, but decided against it. It just doesn't seem right to cheat on a game. And quite frankly I haven't found any that will actually work. I've looked at tips too. I have done my homework on this game; I just can't figure it out. I've thought about playing a new game and starting from the beginning, but for some reason I really like this game. I keep thinking about how much I enjoyed it when I first got it. It was new, and exciting, even perhaps dangerous at times. Now I just feel stupid for continuing to get hit over and over again by the gates. I mean really, isn't the definition of insanity trying to do the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You'd think I'd try a new tactic or at least start a new game. I'm not so far along that I'm going to feel bad if I never beat it. I mean it would just be between me and my memory card (well now the internet) that I can't beat this level. I think I just still have that glimmer of hope. Sometimes, I wish that I never made it to the first depression; I think if I just kept getting swept away by the gates, I would learn that I just won't ever get past the level, and I'd move on. It's not as if I didn't try. I did, I looked up guides and Google searched and what not, but those freaking gates just hit me over and over. Maybe my frustration is finally getting to me, I'm obviously not going anywhere with this game. I could be at this level forever, and who wants that? You can't really tell people that even after a month that you're still on the same level. Serious gamers will laugh at you, and your regular friends, well, they'll never understand. I mean most of them have told me that I should try a different game.

I guess, the beginning was too much fun and I really just want to see what happens next, so here I go again back to the gates, watching the character get  destroyed over and over again. Good thing this kind of thing never happens in real life.

A hinting of a cross roads....

semi-stream of consciousness: 
Life is confusing, I'm young. I know this because I haven't turned thirty yet and the need to get married and have kids isn't nagging me. I'm sure it will soon, soon I will have to explain to people why I'd rather have cats then kids. I like kids, they're great. It's more or less the other part the husband part that scares me. However, I try not to spend much time thinking about finding someone to hang out with for the rest of my life. It's time consuming and often times depressing. Not that I haven't met some choice people recently, I might have. This isn't what I wanted to talk about.

GAH! I may have found a new path, and uncovered a new trail for myself in this world, but it means that I'd have to back track. It's probably a more difficult path and it would certainly lead to a different life. Somehow though I feel like the only reason I'd take this path is because of the delicious looking berries tempting me. They look plump and juicy, like the sweetest berries any person has ever tasted. I wonder if they're poisonous, I wonder if they're not actually berries, maybe they're just an illusion. I'm too curious not to attempt to determine whether the berries are innocuous. Although, I don't really want to just eat berries for the sake of eating berries. Perhaps though, that's kind of what I've been doing so far in this life. Wandering through the forest looking for berries. In fact, I wonder if that's how I ended up here. If I'm here now because I got lost in the woods looking for berries. Somehow, I ended up in this place that I had visited once before, the last time I was here the berries were the best I'd ever tasted. Now the taste is the same, but it's not as bright as it used to be. It was like my memory made them more vibrant and delicious.

I got distracted where was I... oh yeah traveling through a forest chasing berries. What am I freaking bear? do bears even eat berries? Bears eat people, and small animals and fish. Oh well I think I messed up what I was trying to say anyway. I seem to be tongue tied, or finger tied I guess as the case may be. I really like the berries in this forest, but I kind of want to check out these other berries over there, just scout it out you know. I mean cause those berries look like they may sustain me longer. I might as well check em out huh?

I really should set up some kind of don't write blogs after midnight triggers on this thing. I don't know if any of that makes any sense. Perhaps it's best. Hopefully no one thinks that berries are anything more than just berries. They probably are just berries.

I can assure you though berries are not a metaphor for people. Grammar might have been, but definitely not berries. I mean who would want to eat people? Certainly not me.

You take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have...

10 reasons why my job is NOT better than your job...

1. My job is not a career, it's not a life goal, it's simply a place holder.
2. I got cursed at this morning before breakfast.
3. I get bored watching t.v. and folding laundry and helping with chores.
4. I am constantly searching for personal goal fulfillment, that is not obtainable in my current line of work.
5. Showering people is uncomfortable.
6. I hate restraints. I don't like doing them and it takes a lot out of me to have to go into one. (I will do them because I have too, but you cannot expect me to like it).
7. I answer the same questions over and over again, within a five minute span asked by the same person.
8. I feel like my presence doesn't matter.
9. I have done the same puzzle at least 10 times. I am running out of ways to find new ways to do it.
10. I sometimes get bruised, scratched and bit.

10 reasons why my job IS better than your job...
1. I can get paid up to 30/hr to play basketball, board games, and watch television. (This is if I'm working overtime and it's a holiday, however getting paid 12/hr to play isn't bad either).
2. I can make a kid smile in 4 words or less.
3. I can try new things.
4. I get more compliments about my ability to do this job, than any job I've ever worked.
5. I get to work with 6 amazing people, and they offer me a new appreciation for the life I have.
6. I get to try a lot of firsts. (My first ride on the T, my first apple picking experience, etc).
7. I have trained my brain to be working in two places at once. It's helping a kid vacuum, and thinking of ways to improve the nonprofit I want to start.
8. I get to play all day, (or most of it), everyday.
9. I get to learn about things I would've never known about otherwise.
10. No matter what happens, I smile every day, for the majority of my work day.

I feel like it is necessary to have balance, nothing is perfect. My job is far more enjoyable than raking leaves, or shredding papers, (no offense to the recovery school district, it had to be done), or making coffees for people who have forgotten how to smile. It is also not always the easiest thing to do. I also know that I can't do it forever. I am not the kind of person who would feel satisfied doing this forever. I love it, and am happy to have this job. Especially at a time when so many people are unemployed. I want to get better at it. I also don't want to be bored. It's a balance, and I'll have to find that balance. It was a lot more difficult to come up with 10 worst reasons than 10 best reasons.

I think it's necessary to have perspective, I will not always be happy. Nor, will I always be sad. Happiness is a lot easier to find, when you only focus on the positive. I've noticed that I've spent a lot of time in the last week thinking about negative things. As a consequence, my demeanor has been more negative, I've felt a lot more feelings of wanting to pick up and move again. I'm very good at finding a way to run away from things. I don't expect life to be perfect, and to tell you the truth, I don't want it to be. I just want to be me, this mostly positive person, who can make you smile in 4 words or less.

Eventually, I'm going to have to stop caring what everyone else thinks, even my friends, even my family. I think all in all I just want to be me. Whomever, that maybe. (I do realize, I've said this twice. Perhaps, I am still trying to figure out who I am. Perhaps, I know. I guess in the end it doesn't matter and yet I again, I am writing to put something else off).

Procrastination

So, I have like a million things to do. Actually I have like 6-7 things to do, but I like to exaggerate, because I am very good at it.

Anyway, instead of concentrating on those 6-7 things and just getting them done, I am writing here. Obviously, or you wouldn't be reading this. I procrastinate often, I'm very good at it and then being ridiculously stressed out and taking it out on my favorite people. It's a habit, maybe not the best but a habit nonetheless.

One of the many ways that I like procrastinate is through the internet, I read blogs, watch You Tube videos and follow people on Facebook. Most of the time the people that I follow are the people that I knew in high school. I'm not sure why that is, in fact a lot of the "friends" I have on Facebook are people that I never really talked to in high school. I'm not even sure if they should be called friends. I'm not alone in this there are plenty of other people that have tons of "friends." I'm fairly confident that of the 4 or 5 hundred friends they have, they probably talk to about 50 of them intermittently. In reviewing my phone contacts, I have 250 contacts in my phone, I am not Facebook friends with all my phone contacts. For instance one of my phone contacts is Google*, and as much as I'd love to be Facebook friends with Google, it just hasn't happened yet. I dunno, I just think it's funny that the internet has really changed the way we interact with each other. Now if you want to know what happened to that guy you had a crush on in 8th grade, you can just look him up on Facebook. Perhaps, you want to know if that girl who used to spread rumors about you is failing at life, Facebook can tell you. (I don't know why you would be friends with someone who spread rumors about you, maybe you want to look more popular, either way Facebook can help you with that. It's also great for contacting the people you don't get to see very often because they moved away. I really like networking via the internet. I have twitter, a website, Facebook, 3 different blogs, and loads of emails.  However, I think it's starting to take away from the way we interact with people. Maybe I just need to write more hand written letters and make more postcards.

Perhaps the reason, I've got Facebook on the brain, is because I watched The Social Network  last night. The movie itself was fast paced (those guys talk a mile a minute) lots of artistic shots, and some great pics of Boston. The bridge that the Winklevoss twins rowed under is the bridge that leads into Watertown. That had to be pointed out to me, but it was interesting nonetheless. The story itself was interesting and well told. Perhaps, I liked it so much because I'm nearly always online. Partly because I take online classes, partly because I get bored and the internet has millions of websites that I can entertain myself with. And even because my real life friends have turned into internet friends. I need a hobby.

I really should finish reading for class and attend to those 6-7 other things I need to do today. In short, I recommend The Social Network. Although with how much movie tickets cost, maybe you should wait til it comes out on Netflix, or whatever other way you can get your hands on it for cheap. I kind of wonder if all of Mark Zuckerberg's facebook friends are friends IRL.

*If you text Google (466-453), they'll send you information. For instance if you're out on the town but really want to know the score to the Braves game, you can text "Braves Score" to Google and it will shoot you back not only the score but also when the next game is. This also works for college teams but you have to text "NCAAF" (for football) and then the team. So when I want to know the score for Florida or Florida State I text "NCAAF Florida" or "NCAAF Florida State"  and it sends me the score. It's phenomenal. I could write for days about how much I love Google.

No one wants a happy ending.

I've heard this somewhere before, probably a movie, maybe in theatre class, I would credit it properly if I could remember the source.

My life right now is filled with happy, I could tell you about all the good in my life right now, but you wouldn't want to read it, (with exception of my family of course, that's given). But in writing, happiness doesn't sell. You know what sells? Sex, murder, and betrayal. No one wants to read about how I love my job, (I do). They don't care that I really love the city I live in, (it is so beautiful here). They want to hear about drama, pit falls and the life of a soul lost, just like them, in this wild and crazy world. The occasional rising up against an oppressor, a long lost love now found, or even a minor triumph, is okay as long as it is surrounded by the dark depressing stuff. I want my life to be perfect, to be happy, to be full of hope. And it is, but it isn't.

I guess it's time to admit that the grass isn't any greener in Boston. Life is green, certainly, and for the most part, I'm very happy with what I've been dealt. However, even the greenest lawn has a brown patch, or fire ants lurking in it. Sometimes, green fields have snakes that slither through it, looking for prey, or just something to chew on. I've stepped in my fair share of ant hills, and encountered a snake or two on my new lawn.

I'm sure you want to hear all about why my life isn't perfect right now. It's just that I'm not ready to admit it. I don't want to admit it. I want this move to a city so far from my home, from my friends and family to be perfect, to be the right thing. It could be right for me, maybe it's just life's plan for where I should be.

I guess I can admit this much, hopefully it will help me:
My job is awesome, but has it's downsides.
Boston is beautiful, but sometimes it's really cold and the weather isn't always perfect.
I like the people I've met so far, but I haven't really had the opportunity to fully connect.
I feel alone sometimes, a lot of the times; I miss my friends, I miss my family.
I sometimes worry that I won't find someone to share my life with. Then I worry even more that I'll be like a lot of the women in my family, and feel like I have to settle on someone who just isn't good enough for me.
I am often bored, because when I'm not working and done with school, I have very few things I can occupy my time with.
I am confused, not about everything just about somethings.
I worry that I'll lose sight of my goals and dreams. I worry that I won't accomplish the things that I really want. I worry that I will become distracted by relationships with men. I worry that my desire to make other people happy, will keep me from pursuing my own goals.
I worry that I am making mistakes.
I hate feeling like I'm a bench warmer, or like I'm second string.

I'm not sure if this helped at all but I do know this is true:
I feel better knowing that there other people, in the world, that have the same fears.
I feel better knowing that there is some level balance in the world. When bad things happen, good things sometimes come from it. When people do wrong, sometimes justice is served.
I feel better knowing that I could have written this at a Borders in Podunk, Ga, before or after searching for jobs. Instead, I write this at my desk in my room in Watertown, Ma.
I feel better knowing that I don't live with my parents anymore (no offense guys, I appreciate all that you've done for me, but we aren't good roommates).
I feel better knowing that when I walked into Boston Commons for the first time 10 years ago, and decided that I belong here, I ended up finding a way here.
I am excited to see what sort of relationships develop between myself and the people, I've met. Like I said they're cool, it just takes time. 

I guess in some ways life is bitter sweet, and maybe that's just how it's supposed to be. So perhaps in its own right, life is perfect. Maybe what is perfect for me, and what I want aren't the same things.